There are a lot of things I promised myself and Nate that I would not do after becoming a mother. I tried to convince myself (and Nate) that we would not always hold Jack. He would sleep in his own room, never in our bed. That we would let him cry it out if he needs to. That I wouldn't be a freak about leaving him in the care of other responsible adults.
All of these things seemed so simple to do before meeting him. Having a baby seriously changes the way you see a lot of things. I will say, I have not completely failed at following the little rules I set for myself, and in fact I have surpassed a lot of my expectations for my-mother-self.
Even after having Jack, I figured I would breast feed for six months and then switch over to formula. Before having him, I always figured if there was a hiccup and I was not able to breast feed it would not be a big deal. Here I am, six months and one day, and my plan is now to feed him until one year, and skip the formula thing altogether. There was a hiccup in breast feeding, but I persisted (and insisted) and I am glad I did.
It took three weeks for Jack to be able to breast feed at all, and even then it was spotty. Up until that point I was pumping every two to three hours, even at night, and we were feeding him with a syringe because we were so worried about "nipple confusion". We eventually bought him a ($22!) bottle specifically designed to mimic breast feeding when he was about two and a half weeks old. I cried the first few times we used it because he had no problem drinking from it, and I was so terrified that introducing that was going to be the beginning of the end of breast feeding. In our case, I think that actually helped him, and at three weeks he nursed for the first time.
It wasn't smooth sailing from there. It wasn't until three months (that's almost 100 days!) that he was actually good at breast feeding. Until then, if he ate in the middle of the night it had to be from a bottle, he just wouldn't do it at night. Also, sometimes during the day, for whatever reason, he would only take a bottle. Now nursing has become second nature for both of us. We can pretty much do it whenever and where ever we like. However, I am still me, and I don't think I will ever be one of those moms who can just bust out a boob at the park for a hungry baby.
There are still occasional rough patches where for a few days when my supply is down or his demand is increased, but they are few and far between. They always come with a bit of panic, a lot of tears, and a few phone calls for support. Fortunately, I think I am to the point now where I feel confident enough that we will get over the hump, plus I have built up a decent milk supply in the freezer, and lastly I have the knowledge that I at least made it to six months!
Breast feeding can be a lot harder than you would imagine. If I didn't have the support from Nate, along with other friends, family members, coworkers, lactation consultants, doctors, nurses (seriously, this many people!) I am not sure I would have been able to do it. Getting over the initial three week hump, and all of the other bumps along the way has been one of my greatest emotional challenges I have encountered, and I feel I have had my share of emotional challenges in the past five or so years.
Wow, I had not intended to go off on that tangent, but it was such a struggle that Jack and I overcame, that it feels good to share it. Now on to what I originally intended to write about.
The gym I go to has a day care during certain hours, and when I joined about two months ago, I had fantasies about dropping Jack off while I did classes, and then leave him at the daycare while I shower and got ready at the gym. A little me time, and some time for him to spend with other people, which I believe is important for developing minds and personalities. They recommend waiting until the little ones are six months old, but will take them even younger.
As six months was approaching, I started dreading the idea of taking him. It is just so hard to think about leaving the most important thing in the world with a complete stranger, in a room that is undoubtedly filled with germs. (Disclaimer: I am not a germaphobe at all, but I do get grossed out by carpet in public places.) I kept telling myself that the nice thing about the gym is I am only a room away, and it's a very public place with really great staff and a lot of families.
So yesterday I made myself drop Jack off while I attended a one hour class. I only cried for about two minutes, talked to about four people about how nervous I was, and checked on him once during my class. I would call that a success! The idea of staying and showering/getting ready at this point is completely absurd, but I know once he is a little older I will love dropping him off there and having some me time.
The last thing I want to share is our sleeping situation. This was me while pregnant "He is sleeping in his own room. I don't want him to ever sleep in our bed. I know it will be hard not to, but he should sleep in his own crib." Me closer to his due date, "Maybe he will sleep in our room for a few weeks, but then we will move him to his nursery. It's just next door, and we will sleep with the doors open." But then Nate got accepted to Syracuse and we were going to be moving, so there was no point in moving him before the move. Then we were in a hotel for a few weeks. And then we got to our apartment, but we had no furniture and were sleeping in the living room, and it just seemed weird to put him in a different empty room. (He was all the way across the room during this sleeping arrangement). Then our stuff finally got here and we had way too much. His room was full of boxes and nothing was set up, so we kept him in his Pack-and-Play at the foot of our bed until we got unpacked. Then I was going to be going home and taking him with me, where he would be sleeping in the same room as me, so we would wait until I got home to transition him to his room. Now I am home (and the house is fully unpacked and set up) but my sister is coming to visit in a few days, so he will stay in our room until she leaves. After that he will be transitioning to his crib! (Well, my mom is coming in a couple weeks, so maybe after that...).
He does nap in his crib sometimes, but here is a beautiful example of how I am paying for his sleeping arrangement. About an hour ago, Jack was getting tired so I put him in his crib for a nap. I turned on the mobile, but he was fussing for like five minutes, so I read him a book, then tried to pacify him with a pacifier and rubs. When that didn't work I tried toys and leaving him. When that didn't work I grabbed him and the book I am reading, and went into my bed with the idea of reading while he fell asleep, then moving him to the crib. I didn't even lay down in the bed before he was half asleep. It took him 15 seconds to settle down in my bed, after he wouldn't in his for like 15-20 minutes! Then I picked him up, took him to his crib where I stayed with him for a couple minutes until he fell asleep. Punk.
Point is, I am trying to balance what I know is right for him with what I feel is right for him. It is easy to pass judgement on parents especially before being one. I know that a lot of the struggles are more about me than they are him. For example, while in Arizona, leaving Jack with my mom while I went out and celebrated Hillary's final bit of unmarried life. I knew Jack was in good hands with my mother, who I consider to be an excellent mom, but I still didn't feel ready to leave him. That's my issue, not his. Leaving him at the day care at the gym. He was a happy camper, and excited to be around other people and toys, but I was nervous to leave him and go in the other room for an hour.
I wish I had some powerful, fitting quote to end this with, but I don't. So here is one from White Oleander, by Janet Fitch, a great book I recently read: "Just because a poet said something didn't mean it was true, only that it sounded good."
Happy Wednesday!
